Worst day of my life....

15 Nov 2013 - Somerset West Mediclinic

Worst day of my life....

You probably would think it was the day that my husband died (13 January 2014 – what a terrible terrible day). No it was every single day/ time I saw Francois (FMC – Francois Muratie Conradie) after his diagnoses on the 15^th November 2013. I feel nauseous if I think back of this day.  I have to force myself to think of this day so that I can tell the story.

(sitting here, frozen and scared to unlock the memories of the 1^st week of new life – here we go)

Finally after one and a half months wondering what in this world could be causing this abdominal pain FMS first felt when he was on a business trip in China in September 2013 a (very good and understanding) doctor decided that he is going to do surgery to investigate this unconfutable feeling.   -symptoms he experienced:
started out with a few cramps in his tummy daily
bloated  feeling after eating)  
loss of apatite
Indigestion and stomach discomfort
(You see what I’m doing here – moving away from the 15^th Novembers memories – will get there eventually)

So after  a MRE, colonoscopy, 2 sonars, numerous blood test and 5 doctors the general surgeon decided that they are going to remove his appendix (on 12 November) because at this stage it looked like the only cause of discomfort even though it wasn’t swollen enough (according to medical records) to cause this kind of discomfort. While walking to the OR (operation room) by his side, I prayed to God to please let it be his flippen appendix! After the surgery the doctor informed me that while they took out his appendix the found another problem and he thinks this might be the cause of all the troubles. But he is 90% sure the white spots on in his abdominal area are curable. This was truly a bitter sweet moment. Even though the problem was worse than what we expected I was happy for two reasons at that moment that I wanted to kiss this doctor – by the way he is very sexy doctor. Firstly, we now know what caused al the drama and secondly, it was curable. The next day (13 Nov – getting closer) the doctor informed us that it might be a strain of TB that needs treatment of 6 months but everything will be back to normal after the treatment.  So the next day (14 Nov – oooh its very close now) the doctors (yes now there was more than one doctor on his case – rising concern with me once again – always the pessimist) informed us that the lab test shows that it is defiantly not TB. So now what the hell is it then!!!

On the morning of the 15^th November it started to rain softly and the clouds gathered over the Somerset west area – most of you will remember this day as the day that the Lourens River flooded into the Medi Clininc. I went to visit FMC in the hospital before I went to an conference at the Lord Charles , to hear if the doctors had any answers to what is causing this drama.
                                                                                                                                                No answers again…….
So then I phone the doctor and made an appointment to that evening at 17:00 to discuss this problem. I went to the hospital at 15:00 and climbed in FMC bed with him because it was so cold. This picture was taken then. And this was also the last time I can remember that I saw (no wait there was another time) him that he looked contend/happy/relaxed as in this picture, and that was the night before he died – will tell you at another time about that.

     17:00, 15 November 2013
Rain is falling from the sky like I have never seen before. FMC’s room is dark… and then the doctor walked in. I will never in my life forget the look in die Dr eyes. It was a look of incredible sadness. As he pulled a chair closer I realised shitty news is coming our way. When the doctor said the word: C-A-N-C-E-R it felt like I was warm and cold at the same time. I didn’t know if I wanted to sit or stand. I wanted to vomit. And then I saw Francois face. He was scared. Very scared. The Dr kept quiet for a few minutes to give us the time to inhale this terrible news. 
     Then FMC said: Adél, I am so sorry that I am doing this to you…
Always putting himself and his feelings second. I then asked the Dr if it is bad. Dr’s reply: No, it’s VERY BAD.
                                                                                                                   ……… Silence     FMC was supposed to stay in the hospital till the next morning, but with this news there was no way that he could spend another night in this place. We left the hospital at 18:00 in silence and drove (swam) home in silence.

I think the only thing worse than this will probably be when a Dr tells you your child has cancer. There are no words to describe how I felt that night. Every second hoping wishing things could be different. Trying to make sense of this mess.

This was truly the worst day of my life – don’t judge me now in thinking why not 13 January 2014. I think I lost my husband, the true FMC, that day in the hospital. After that day we only once had a slight argument (and how did I grave to have a decent argument with him), we never laughed till gasping for air and he was never independent like the FMC I came to know over the 8 years that we known each other. And this is the reason why I absolutely hate this date!

The WHY'S!

 

Once upon a time we were the fabulous four...



Dec 2012 - Strand

Before I start to tell my families heart-breaking, sad, emotional (and so I can continue with all the sad and negative words I can think of) story I would like to take this moment to explain why I am doing this blog and why I am doing now.

My motive: Even though I want to help other young ladies in the same awful situation, I feel I need to be a little selfish and do this for myself! It feels to me that even though my family and I went through this emotional roller coaster the past 6 months it was (sometimes by some people) expected of me (and my beloved husband)to try and keep other people’s feelings and reactions in mind and sometimes to cost of my (our) own. Therefore, I want to tell my story and capture all the emotions and feelings that made me who I am today – yes I know, how changed can you be after only 2 months had passed since my husband died - it feels like a lifetime ago and so many things changed and there was so many important decisions to make – that I defiantly feel like a different person than 6 months ago.

Why now: My husband was diagnosed on 15 November 2013 (after 1.5 months of going from doctor to doctor in search to find the cause of his weird tummy pains) and this was 4 weeks before I had to hand in my thesis for my M. I decided at that time, I would rather do everything possible to help my husband fight this unthinkable disease and post-pone my hand in time of my thesis. During the seven weeks after the diagnoses I did absolutely everything imaginable to increase the chances of the chemo to work. This meant that when I was not making juice (beetroot/celery and green apple – our favourite), driving to the chemist to buy loads of pain medication, driving to the doctors, making all kinds of food to find something nutritious that accommodates with the chemo and being a mother of two very young and kiddies there was no time to do anything else in my spare time other than crying silently when taking a toilet brake. I had to be strong for my husband – I was (and defiantly is still) a strong believer of positive thinking can help concur almost anything. (I am jumping the gun now). So after he died seven weeks after diagnoses life changed dramatically, from informing all 5 siblings that their beloved youngest brother pasted away to deciding (minutes after I learnt of his death) if he wished to be cremated and which funeral house he wanted to use (how the hell was I supposed to know all of this – dying was never an option - so why would we discussed this?) And then lastly, moving to a new house and neighbourhood. Making all these decisions takes time and this is the reason why I writhing this now. Because everything is settling down now and I have time to think and and process all the feelings from the last 6 months.

My goal: To feel a little better...

Over the next few weeks I would like to relive the moments that went by me and my kids way to quickly and try to make sense out of it all (if possible).