The WHY'S!

 

Once upon a time we were the fabulous four...



Dec 2012 - Strand

Before I start to tell my families heart-breaking, sad, emotional (and so I can continue with all the sad and negative words I can think of) story I would like to take this moment to explain why I am doing this blog and why I am doing now.

My motive: Even though I want to help other young ladies in the same awful situation, I feel I need to be a little selfish and do this for myself! It feels to me that even though my family and I went through this emotional roller coaster the past 6 months it was (sometimes by some people) expected of me (and my beloved husband)to try and keep other people’s feelings and reactions in mind and sometimes to cost of my (our) own. Therefore, I want to tell my story and capture all the emotions and feelings that made me who I am today – yes I know, how changed can you be after only 2 months had passed since my husband died - it feels like a lifetime ago and so many things changed and there was so many important decisions to make – that I defiantly feel like a different person than 6 months ago.

Why now: My husband was diagnosed on 15 November 2013 (after 1.5 months of going from doctor to doctor in search to find the cause of his weird tummy pains) and this was 4 weeks before I had to hand in my thesis for my M. I decided at that time, I would rather do everything possible to help my husband fight this unthinkable disease and post-pone my hand in time of my thesis. During the seven weeks after the diagnoses I did absolutely everything imaginable to increase the chances of the chemo to work. This meant that when I was not making juice (beetroot/celery and green apple – our favourite), driving to the chemist to buy loads of pain medication, driving to the doctors, making all kinds of food to find something nutritious that accommodates with the chemo and being a mother of two very young and kiddies there was no time to do anything else in my spare time other than crying silently when taking a toilet brake. I had to be strong for my husband – I was (and defiantly is still) a strong believer of positive thinking can help concur almost anything. (I am jumping the gun now). So after he died seven weeks after diagnoses life changed dramatically, from informing all 5 siblings that their beloved youngest brother pasted away to deciding (minutes after I learnt of his death) if he wished to be cremated and which funeral house he wanted to use (how the hell was I supposed to know all of this – dying was never an option - so why would we discussed this?) And then lastly, moving to a new house and neighbourhood. Making all these decisions takes time and this is the reason why I writhing this now. Because everything is settling down now and I have time to think and and process all the feelings from the last 6 months.

My goal: To feel a little better...

Over the next few weeks I would like to relive the moments that went by me and my kids way to quickly and try to make sense out of it all (if possible).