Being strong!

I've heard so many times over the past 6 months that I am a strong, brave woman.  I appreciate people thinking this and congratulating me for being this person that I seldom feel like. I have learnt that strong has different meanings and that learning to be ‘strong’ happens very fast.

Firstly, I have to thank my wonderful parents (and the rest of my family) who raised me to always be positive and see the bright side of life. I think this plays a huge role in my being ‘strong’. I thank this same incredible family for carrying me and my lovely kids through these past few months. I am thankful for their support. Without them I would not have been as ‘strong’.

Secondly, what else can I do other than to be strong? Like all mothers I want nothing more for my kids than to have a normal life and to be happy. Since FMC’s diagnoses the only thing that kept me sane was to be positive and see the bright side of things (thanks again goes to my parents). Hopefully I can teach my kids the same valuable life skills.

Thirdly, I have realised that there is always someone who is worse off.   When I speak to people in my direct environment they will give me there sincere condolences, thinking how on earth can kids grow up without a father and how can a single mom work and raise these two kids by herself? (I actually feel ashamed writing the next part). The week after Francois died, while I was feeling sorry for myself in this shitty situation, I realised that the women/angel (Flora) who is helping me every day with my kids in my house, is also raising two kids by herself. This while she is working full time and not one of these kids are even her own. Meaning both kids don’t have/know their biological mother and one of the children has never even met their father. I always knew this but I always thought it’s OK for them; it is part of their culture. It’s not. We are all fighting the same battles only on different battle fields. Looking at their situation I feel extremely blessed.  I have a (reliable) car to drive, a (waterproof) roof over my head, (fresh and healthy) food to eat and a (good) education. Things could have been much worse for me and my crazy kids.

Looking brave and strong is the easy part. To actually be brave and strong is a bit more challenging. I can remember when I was still in University a friend phoned me one windy night and told me that she was scared and too afraid to get out of her bed and go to the toilet because of a noise she had heard. Knowing that she needed me, I got out of bed, drove to her flat, got out in the dark and knocked on her door, just so that I could help look through her flat to check that there was nothing to be afraid of. Driving back in my car that night, I realised that I was soaking wet and shaking of the stress, but it didn’t matter because it was over and done with. I think I feel the same these days.   Even though I feel so damn scared and clueless; pushing through is just the only thing to do. Being truly strong is not always easy and possible.

Another thing I have realised from FMC’s illness is that every moment that I live without the pain he had I should live to the fullest. There was nothing more that he wanted than to be pain free and to do everyday chores,  like taking out the trash, packing the car before we go on holiday (even though I’ve packed the whole house) or changing  our children’s  dirty nappy’s. Now when I have to do something that I don’t enjoy doing, I just think to myself: at least I am able to do it. And for that I am thankful. We don’t know what the future holds for us and for that reason embrace every moment to the fullest.

Its a bit sad that I had to loose someone so dear to make me realise that I have to try my hardest to live my live according to the two following quotes:

Be kinder than necessary, you don't always know when it is needed the most....

&

What would you have done different today if it were your last?