Fear of dying...

A friend asked me a week or two ago what my biggest worries are at the moment. My only and biggest worry is to die.

Just so that you know: FMC was never afraid of dying – he wasn’t going to die so soon. We (yes we – kids, parents, family, friends and our whole support system) were going to win this stupid cancer and live together till the end of time... I wanted to include a breakdown of his last 48 hours in this blog post - but couldn’t get myself to write anything.

Me on the other hand… since 13 January 2014 I am very afraid of dying – Thanatophobia. I have had 5 different ‘cancer’s’ in the last 4 months, from breast cancer to bone cancer. When I feel a slight headache coming along it must definitely be brain cancer (and not because I drank too much of the Ronnie Melck Shiraz 2010 from Muratie the night before) or when my tummy muscles are sore I conveniently forget that I did a yoga class the previous day for the first time in months (no it must be some form of cancer!). I always knew that it is possible to die at any moment and that it is not in our hands, but it always happened to other people. Now I am that ‘other people’.

The reality of death sucks big time.

Before FMC was diagnosed I was clueless of how cruel life can be. All I saw in life was the ‘bold and beautiful’ and I was extremely naïve at times. I wish with my whole heart that I can have that feeling back just for one day (even one hour would be nice). Now when I see students having a good time on campus I think to myself that it’s a good thing that we don’t know what the future (for some a very brief future) holds. And then I wonder which one of them is going to die first and at what age? I feel sad that I have become so cynical. Even though I try my best to be positive my mind always ends up thinking worst case scenario. Or when my friend tells me about a holiday that they are planning for next year April/May, I think that she is really lucky to be able to plan so far ahead, because I am not sure whether I will be alive and well to join them. In her mind there is no doubt about it - they are definitely going. This really sucks. BECAUSE I AM ALIVE AND WELL!!

I only hope this is temporarily and that my old naïve mind set will return soon…

Thanks go out to these 2 wonderful friends. You are the best - Morny you are also cool ;)  

Live life to the fullest, i am trying.